My Trauma on Dependence
What life has offered so far has been adventurous and fun. I am used to enjoying life with no pressure but with freedom of expression and audacity to explore the artistic part of the world where it is full of ideas and interpretations of themes hidden within the abyss of the mystery itself. Now, trim to the chase is of the same meaning of expression as what the words in the title mean, whichever will be peeled fresh for discussion, or rather for record and journal of my life. I started to depend on people since I was born, which is a bad habit I, for once grow old, will never cease ruing for. I depended on my parents who depend on paper bills for education, for life. I then depended on the fear of shame and the pursuit of more materialistic satisfactions to get honorable grades in school. I depended on my high dignity on the ownership of those family assets once claimed to be able to show luxury of a family. Everything revolved around money: it is probably still the case.
Life sucks when you fail your exams, don't get the jobs you crave for since before your life, or when your life depends on money so much that you're running away from home to look for the comfort of money or finding a life overseas far away from family because they can never give you the freedom you deserve or their love has gone so low that money satisfaction feels far greater than having them in sight.
it's hard when you have nothing to live for except your dreams, in this case, mine
it's probably not the case... but i never like my hometown, nor the people, nor my family, and it's one reason i feel happy living away hoping to run away from them
whatever challenges i face, i have to find the way myself. and i have nowhere to go back
but it's what i lived for. their (family's) way of life and ideology of it are way too primitive, and... rudely say...... depriving my freedom and happiness. Therefore, if i were to die, i may die of hunger or lack of money, but at least i don't die having my freedom taken away. It is the oath I made for the person I love the most in this world, my only brother who will accompany me through life and death. Myself.
hows ur day
u went culinary lesson ?
Steven
i went to work
yeah man thx
really looking forward to be your movie director too
my days suck now
everything revolves around money
it's fucken shame that i had a fight over phone with my faily
dad
over money
Jack
i see man
life's tough
so what happen now
Steven
im looking for banks to borrow money for schools
but idk how long i will last
but it;s life
Jack
found any school?
Steven
yup
but it's fucking ec
exx
Jack
yeah schools nowadays ex like shit
Steven
it has been my dream to be an architect, jack
and to come so far
but i think i will just give up
if anything... everything revolves merely on money
Jack
no choice, it sucks
take the loan
u must become an architect
it's hard when it comes to financing education
Steven
no jack. it's hard you have nothing to live for except your dreams, in this case, mine
if you*
it's probably not the case... but i never like my hometown, nor the people, nor my family, and it's one reason i feel happy living away hoping to run away from them
whtv challenges i face, i have to find the way myself. and i have nowhere to go back
but it's what i lived for. their (family s) way of life and ideology of it are way too primitive, and... rudely say...... depriving my freedom and happiness
Jack
i agree with family ideology
i understand that one
i mean i agree with u
its torturous living with the way my fam think
Steven
it's just hard when the people you should love the most are actually those who want to keep you for themselves
in this case, mine
Jack
its just that i share diff philosophy with my fam
but that doesnt mean we are not filiel
cus i think, no offense to my family and in due respect, they are bound by certain way of thinking, its hard to describe but everyday example manifest it
i feel bad for what i did yesterday and today to my dad
many times i imply disagreement to him but recently i spit out some truth in words
that i want to move out in future
i know that will hurt him cus for four years we have been living in separate places.
altho its normal to live out when ppl go uni
but i know the fact that i said it out it will hurt him
cus they have preconceived notion of who i am when i am not what i used to be 5 years ago
for example, asking me to wash my dishes in a demeaning way when that is not my dish
that is a preconceived idea of my image
it seems trivial, but it sends a message
but that's life
u know that feeling when u suggest a mature idea for something and ur dad just don care much. every day.
its just all the subtle way the speak to me. their gesture that implies superiority and belittlement which 90% of the society cant see
i hate it
maybe they are ageing, their brain is deteriorating, which i don blame them
i blame life itself
sometimes i ask god why
why r there so many ppl die being tortured, being raped, being mutilated, being beheaded when they do nothing wrong
then i find my own answer
emphasizing *my own*
Steven
dammit jack. i was trying to speak out my problem..instead... but well
i first thought being happy is what it's all about
but then life has more to it
Jack
sorry but i was down recently
keep going
i hear u
Steven
in fact life has no certain goal or any known purpose
it is a yes and no
Jack
Life is but a bunch of molecules(protons, neutrons, electrons...) acting under the laws of physics. The universe happens not under the law of moral values, right or wrong, but operating under the law of physics.
Steven
everyone has their own goal
even physics has its flaws
Jack
my answer sounds very sad
i hope i am wrong
Steven
big bang is the most accurate theory humans ever proposed, yet it is either far away from truth or is the truth, we never know, yes?
seriously who's right or wrong doesn't matter
you may think you're right, or dad's wrong
but it can be the oppoite just anytime
the most annoying thing is to forced one's opinion on others
that is what started wars, and then destruction
but then who knows whether or not it's bad
Jack
yeah
no right or wrong
Steven
who knows why being unhappy is bad
being angry, sad, disgusted, happy, as long as it's original i think is good enough
sometimes i think everything is just reactions. chemical reactions. physical reactions. we are all molecules that play in the reaction
like if someone break into my house and shoot me
it started from chemical reaction in his brain, causing him to take out his gun and the bullet just happen to hit me under Newtons laws of motion
sometimes i see it that way it so sad
im just bunch of molecules
Steven
or maybe you're just imagining things in life...maybe even you're just a flowing remnant of energy
Jack
im sorry for the rant
yea energy
molecules are energy
Steven
i cant hear u its ok
Jack
sorry man im supposed to help u
Steven
its ok bro... everyone needs to fight for themselves
Jack
bro
Steven
your 'rant' is good enough to help my investigation in life
Jack
got any video
i need to stabilise myself
like video about happiness
Steven
have you watched the gay prank
Jack
life worth investigate
ohya
ok
i watch
now
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