Yesterday
I wish I had experienced the childhood you had.
As a kid, I was even more confused of this world.
At least you had the freedom to choose between butterflies or honey bees to catch.
My parents, and the rest of my family made choices for me.
No touching insects, because all insects are poisonous and venomous.
No touching cats because their furs bring diseases.
No touching dogs because all of them bite.
And of course, my mindset was limited to certain restraint.
"mom is always right. listen to mom"
"mom's cooking is the best. stop whining and eat."
"playing games makes you stupid"
"black people cannot be trusted"
"native ethnic Moslems cannot be trusted"
"trust Nobody but family"
"family always loves you"
"we scold you, because we love you"
"we hit you, because we love you"
"whatever bad things we do to you is for your own good, because we're your parents."
All of these are sentences I remembered they told me since a kid.
I had no freedom as much as you had.
I think it's way better to live alone, than to live with people who want to control you.
I had companions.
But I wished my companions were bees and butterflies like yours.
I didn't learn to think for myself, because everything is just about following what parents said.
I didn't learn to speak, because for them, children, no matter what ideas they had, are always too immature to be justified.
I learnt to be blind towards the beauty of this world instead.
I learnt to be closed-minded instead.
Later that I went overseas to study, did I realize none of the things they told was words of love.
But the story didn't end there.
In secondary school, students were free to choose certain subjects.
Obviously, I picked Art.
Family came in and told me Art is useless and difficult to get marks.
They knew their sons have Art talents but they listened to other parents who told them Geography is way easier.
And so I took Geography.
I didn't hate Geography but I hated the fact they made me pick Art so much, that I intentionally failed Geography.
I begged the teacher and they put me to Art.
That year, I was Art top student.
I don't think my parents do not love me.
It is more like stupid, selfish parenting that they are applying to the kids, like most parents in my hometown.
I didnt blame them. I don't blame them now.
Nobody ever taught them how to be great parents.
Nobody ever taught anybody how to love.
You don't learn love in school.
You learn it in daily lives, through experiences.
They lack of it, obviously.
But I have my freedoms, and they have theirs.
Although I tried, I couldn't let anyone pull me down, ever again. This is my life. I should enjoy it, with people I really love. Not the people I was asked to love.
Anyway, after I went overseas then I realized nothing they said ever made sense.
I was astounded that all my life, I had been fooled. Cheated by stupid people with stupid thoughts. What does it make me then?
nobody is ever right or wrong. People can only come as far as closer to the truth. but nobody is ever right. Not even parents.
mom's cooking is the best, if only mom attends culinary school, or at least learns proper recipe and listen to feedbacks from her kids.
I started loving architecture from playing Age of Empires and the Sims. Playing games, don't make me stupid. It opens the mind. Lack of self-control, makes a person blind, and ultimately stupid. Not playing games.
They often, in the past, blamed my myopia for using phones in the dark.
Only current research said myopia in children is due to the lack of sunlight. It has nothing to do with playing electronic gadgets, or reading in the dark.
They remained nonchalant, of course.
There's nothing literally I could talk to them about.
I felt so envious to those kidas in American Christmas movies who have so many loving and smart parents who tell their kids I love you everyday, and to whom you can discuss the world or any problems that come to your mind.
I never discuss anything productive with my parents.
Our conversation revolves around superficial topics.
Maybe I expect too much from this world
I never get to hear "love you" since I was born. Neither have I told them. Because of the culture. It is ashamed to be telling people our feelings.
It irked me a lot, at least until you told me the same thing.
I then realized Chinese are More discreet about saying love to people.
This one, maybe, I can let it slide.
Like you said, it's more important to show love through actions.
What I don't understand, though, is that saying love is an action too, isn't it?
Many things made no sense in my childhood.
I mostly learned it myself, and a lot of times learnt it the hard ways.
Because I had no friends. In elementary school. They told me not to attend friend's hangouts. No hanging out late at night.
I had nobody to share my thoughts.
But I get it, people In my town are superficial, anyway.
I am used to processing ideas and thoughts myself.
That, too, taught me a lot.
It taught me to not listen to whatever anyone said, if it concerns myself.
And always be critical of what people say. Do not just accept them blindly.
Now I have nobody to trust, or places to call home.
I didn't live in poverty
But I wish I had been born poor in a more loving family in a more developed country
That way I could have made friends with nature
Or any friends freely
That way I didn't have to listen to nonsenses spoken by people with no knowledge, but only money and power
That way I could think by myself and made choices for myself.
I didn't go to university, because I was so annoyed by traditional thoughts.
I intentionally wanted to challenge them and told them:
"Look. Don't be stupid.
The world is so big.
There is obviously more than one way of living in this world"
The latter is ultimately a bad decision I regretted.
Not going to university makes it harder to get a job, by certain percentile.
But it doesn't mean my life ended.
And still, what matters is quality of the book content,
Not the book cover.
So why try to control what your kid wants.
Let him be free, is what I wanted to tell them
I know they don't care anyway.
They'd laugh at me and say
What the shit are you talking about, son?
Now I know I have nowhere to go back, because by going back leaves me with the trauma of being imprisoned.
Luckily I'm an adult. I can learn to accept irregularities and imperfections in this world.
But still, I don't wanna go back.
That's the reason I told you I hate my hometown.
I don't belong there.
I may visit once in a while
But I don't belong there
So this is my story
As a kid, I was even more confused of this world.
At least you had the freedom to choose between butterflies or honey bees to catch.
My parents, and the rest of my family made choices for me.
No touching insects, because all insects are poisonous and venomous.
No touching cats because their furs bring diseases.
No touching dogs because all of them bite.
And of course, my mindset was limited to certain restraint.
"mom is always right. listen to mom"
"mom's cooking is the best. stop whining and eat."
"playing games makes you stupid"
"black people cannot be trusted"
"native ethnic Moslems cannot be trusted"
"trust Nobody but family"
"family always loves you"
"we scold you, because we love you"
"we hit you, because we love you"
"whatever bad things we do to you is for your own good, because we're your parents."
All of these are sentences I remembered they told me since a kid.
I had no freedom as much as you had.
I think it's way better to live alone, than to live with people who want to control you.
I had companions.
But I wished my companions were bees and butterflies like yours.
I didn't learn to think for myself, because everything is just about following what parents said.
I didn't learn to speak, because for them, children, no matter what ideas they had, are always too immature to be justified.
I learnt to be blind towards the beauty of this world instead.
I learnt to be closed-minded instead.
Later that I went overseas to study, did I realize none of the things they told was words of love.
But the story didn't end there.
In secondary school, students were free to choose certain subjects.
Obviously, I picked Art.
Family came in and told me Art is useless and difficult to get marks.
They knew their sons have Art talents but they listened to other parents who told them Geography is way easier.
And so I took Geography.
I didn't hate Geography but I hated the fact they made me pick Art so much, that I intentionally failed Geography.
I begged the teacher and they put me to Art.
That year, I was Art top student.
I don't think my parents do not love me.
It is more like stupid, selfish parenting that they are applying to the kids, like most parents in my hometown.
I didnt blame them. I don't blame them now.
Nobody ever taught them how to be great parents.
Nobody ever taught anybody how to love.
You don't learn love in school.
You learn it in daily lives, through experiences.
They lack of it, obviously.
But I have my freedoms, and they have theirs.
Although I tried, I couldn't let anyone pull me down, ever again. This is my life. I should enjoy it, with people I really love. Not the people I was asked to love.
Anyway, after I went overseas then I realized nothing they said ever made sense.
I was astounded that all my life, I had been fooled. Cheated by stupid people with stupid thoughts. What does it make me then?
nobody is ever right or wrong. People can only come as far as closer to the truth. but nobody is ever right. Not even parents.
mom's cooking is the best, if only mom attends culinary school, or at least learns proper recipe and listen to feedbacks from her kids.
I started loving architecture from playing Age of Empires and the Sims. Playing games, don't make me stupid. It opens the mind. Lack of self-control, makes a person blind, and ultimately stupid. Not playing games.
They often, in the past, blamed my myopia for using phones in the dark.
Only current research said myopia in children is due to the lack of sunlight. It has nothing to do with playing electronic gadgets, or reading in the dark.
They remained nonchalant, of course.
There's nothing literally I could talk to them about.
I felt so envious to those kidas in American Christmas movies who have so many loving and smart parents who tell their kids I love you everyday, and to whom you can discuss the world or any problems that come to your mind.
I never discuss anything productive with my parents.
Our conversation revolves around superficial topics.
Maybe I expect too much from this world
I never get to hear "love you" since I was born. Neither have I told them. Because of the culture. It is ashamed to be telling people our feelings.
It irked me a lot, at least until you told me the same thing.
I then realized Chinese are More discreet about saying love to people.
This one, maybe, I can let it slide.
Like you said, it's more important to show love through actions.
What I don't understand, though, is that saying love is an action too, isn't it?
Many things made no sense in my childhood.
I mostly learned it myself, and a lot of times learnt it the hard ways.
Because I had no friends. In elementary school. They told me not to attend friend's hangouts. No hanging out late at night.
I had nobody to share my thoughts.
But I get it, people In my town are superficial, anyway.
I am used to processing ideas and thoughts myself.
That, too, taught me a lot.
It taught me to not listen to whatever anyone said, if it concerns myself.
And always be critical of what people say. Do not just accept them blindly.
Now I have nobody to trust, or places to call home.
I didn't live in poverty
But I wish I had been born poor in a more loving family in a more developed country
That way I could have made friends with nature
Or any friends freely
That way I didn't have to listen to nonsenses spoken by people with no knowledge, but only money and power
That way I could think by myself and made choices for myself.
I didn't go to university, because I was so annoyed by traditional thoughts.
I intentionally wanted to challenge them and told them:
"Look. Don't be stupid.
The world is so big.
There is obviously more than one way of living in this world"
The latter is ultimately a bad decision I regretted.
Not going to university makes it harder to get a job, by certain percentile.
But it doesn't mean my life ended.
And still, what matters is quality of the book content,
Not the book cover.
So why try to control what your kid wants.
Let him be free, is what I wanted to tell them
I know they don't care anyway.
They'd laugh at me and say
What the shit are you talking about, son?
Now I know I have nowhere to go back, because by going back leaves me with the trauma of being imprisoned.
Luckily I'm an adult. I can learn to accept irregularities and imperfections in this world.
But still, I don't wanna go back.
That's the reason I told you I hate my hometown.
I don't belong there.
I may visit once in a while
But I don't belong there
So this is my story
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