Everything I Need, Nothing I Want

April 20, 2025

Unlike most people, I’m satisfied. And I’m not just saying this to pad the length of a diary entry. I mean it. I didn’t even use ChatGPT to write this, because honestly, it’s too much trouble to open a new tab. I don't feel like doing anything extra anymore in this world. I'm content.

But there’s a problem with contentment in a world where nobody really cares. Not even close relatives. My mom still does, though. In fact, she's probably the only one. Her dreams for me are the classic ones—marriage, family, a stable life. The works. But I don’t carry those ideals, and I don’t intend to escape the comfortable walls of my isolation. The fewer connections I have, the less pain I’ll cause or receive. Relationships are messy and noisy. Communities are draining. I just want to be left alone, to live my life quietly, on my own terms.

My bare minimum is survival—some enjoyment, a little freedom. When I can’t have those anymore, then it becomes a question of how much I’m willing to bend and do someone else’s bidding. That’s why, for now, I won’t go back to service industry jobs. Teaching might still be someone else’s favor—babysitting their kids while pretending the knowledge I'm transferring matters—but at least it pays better. It buys me more free time, and maybe some dignity. And if I’m going to do anyone a favor, it better be worth the trade.

Money-wise, I still need more. Not for wants, but for reassurance—the idea that I’ll always have the freedom to choose what I eat, where I live, and how I spend my day. But when it comes to consumer products, I have enough. I’ve got my Galaxy S24 Ultra, fast and sleek, for everyday life. My Galaxy Tab S9 Ultra, which doubles as my media hub and potential creative tool. And, finally, the Galaxy Watch Ultra—something I craved for so long and now wear like a subtle badge of comfort and control. On paper, I have everything I need. I want nothing more, for now.

Anything else—like a career breakthrough or a life partner—would be beyond reassurance. That would be desire. And desire is something I’ve placed on the shelf for now, gathering dust.

Then there’s my mom again. I hate that even now, I haven’t made her proud. Haven’t made her happy. Haven’t given her peace. Half of that’s on her—for giving me life in a world neither of us had any control over. But the other half is on me. We play the cards we’re dealt, right? And while I might be holding a strange hand, the accountability is mine. Still, the fact that I can’t feel motivated to succeed in any way that benefits someone beyond myself is something I hate to admit… and yet, something that sets me free. It’s invigorating and numbing at the same time.

Add to that my intermittent esotropia, and it becomes easy to spiral. Sometimes I wish I’d never been born. Like a bad investment that looked promising and just kept going downhill. If life goes well, we smile. If it doesn’t… well, here we are, writing this.

Ken’s doing well, I think. I hope. If something ever goes wrong in the tiny scheme of our family, he’ll be the one who makes everyone proud. He’ll carry the flag. He’ll fulfill the dreams. He’ll be the “success story” they talk about at family gatherings.

But in the grand scheme of things, does any of it really matter?

It’s rhetorical.

—Fish N Steve

“Unlike Most People I'm Satisfied

Unlike most people, I'm satisfied. And I'm not just saying this to add to the word count. And I'm also not using ChatGPT this time. It's too much trouble to ctrl + T a new Tab just for the webpage and I don't feel like doing extras in this world anymore. I'm content.

Problem is, in this world where nobody cares. Not even close relatives, my mom still does. In fact, she's the only one. And one of her ideals for the world is that I have my own family. I don't carry such ideals and I don't intend on escaping my own wall of isolation. Less relationships are less pain to others, therefore to myself. I don't want to be associated with anybody or any communities as much as possible. My bare minimum is to survive and enjoy in my own accord until I cannot, then it's a choice of pushing the willingness limit of doing someone else's bidding. For now, for example, I'm not going back to work at the restaurants or service industry for I can teach with double the salary. It's still doing somebody else's favor of babysitting their kids while expending time sharing knowledge, but it's more efficient to amass the funds to buy more free time and potentially materialistic possessions.

Talking of which, in terms of money, I still need more for the sake reasurrance of future's preferred sustenance (having choice of food). But for tangible consumer products other than for body sustenance, I have had enough. My Samsung Galaxy S24 Ultra phone for snappy camera and daily usage, my Tab S9 Ultra for media consumption and potentially career switching apparatus in the form of illustrating, and last but not least my long-craved Galaxy Watch Ultra to help visualize my health in an arbitrary format, which I acquired early this year. On the hindsight, I have everything I need and I no longer have anything I want to purchase. It's, for now, daily sustenance and future reassurance seeking. Maybe career, maybe a partner or companion. Those are beyond my reasurrance needs.

Going back to my mother, I still curse myself to this age not fulfilling what she wants or even be able to make her happy. I know it's half her sin for bringing me into this world (the other half is 's), but I also understand we play the cards we're dealt with and I am accountable for my success, and that the fact that I remain unmotivated for anything to succeed beyond myself is so invigorating. With the addition to my intermittent esotropia, I sometimes wished I were never born. Like a losing investment, if it goes well then one is happy, and if it doesn't the reacti9on would be exactly my penultimate sentence.

Ken is doing well I hope. And if anything goes wrong in the minuscule scheme of things, he will have the whole family covered in terms of fullfilment and hapiness and contentment and freedom. In the grand scheme of things, does anything ever matter?

It's rhetoric.”